Thoughts on Comparative Suffering

Posted on November 5, 2012 by Torrie

These days I spend a lot of time at home as I’m recuperating from illness. I’ve had a lot of alone time with my mind. The other day I was thinking about how life has been pretty hard on my family and me lately. The difficulties have been continuous for the last two years. It has been like a volcano erupting with one chaotic event after another. As soon as things start to settle some new drastic circumstance comes into our life. I wasn’t reflecting on this in a victimy way. I was just acknowledging the past few years have been tough for me personally and I know my family has felt it too.

So there I was thinking about all this and suddenly I was overcome with GUILT. Images of people in war-torn countries flashed through my mind, and don’t forget all the starving children in Africa. I felt awful. How dare I think my life is so hard when others are suffering so much more! How hideous of me. I should never complain about any thing…EVER. But then a new realization came to me, something I have never thought of before…

The people in Libya and Somalia…their life is not my life. It’s like comparing apples to oranges. Of course I cannot begin to comprehend what a typical day for them looks like. Nor can they imagine my life. But does their existence mean my suffering is stupid and pointless and whiny? Does it mean I should not acknowledge that life is sometimes difficult for middle-class- 40-something-Americans? Is it not an issue that our country has the highest number of people on Prozac, Ritalin, and other mood enhancing drugs? I want to acknowledge that Americans suffer. I want to acknowledge that I have suffered in my own way and in my own tiny life tremendously the last few years. I want to say that suffering is a part of what it means to be human…weather you live in Beverly Hills or Chechnya.

There have been moments I felt sad about what happened to me. But I’ve never felt like a victim. I’ve never thought God was punishing me. I have tried to look for the lessons in the hardship and when I look at it that way I have learned many. We can use hardship as a transformational tool to learn and to grow. Sometimes people suffer and the lesson isn’t learned until generations later as new governments are formed, or new ways of getting food and water to people are developed. But strangely these new updated societies will create new problems, new forms of suffering and the cycle continues through eons of human evolution.

I think the point is that whatever we are struggling with in our lives that we don’t become a victim about it. We can embrace the fact that hardship is a part of life; but it is that hardship that causes us to move forward. We suffer>We adapt>We survive>We evolve. I see this in the human body as well. The body is so vulnerable and fragile. A single disease can wide out chunks of the population. Yet many people survive horrendous illness and injury. The body knows how to heal itself and its will to survive is amazing to me. Likewise it is the same for the human race. We are so fragile, so prone to war and suffering and hatred. Yet so able to create new levels of beauty and love amidst the war torn landscapes of our external world, and our internal psyches. Whether in Sudan or America we put one foot in front of the other until we are no longer able.

In the Dark Chamber: How We Cope

Posted on October 19, 2012 by Torrie

A small plane crashes in the mountains and four survivors must figure out how to continue surviving. Or the early explorers get lost in the rainforest while bot-flies lay eggs under their skin. I’ve always had an obsession with films and books about man verses nature. I am fascinated by what happens when you take a person and strip away his comfort, his security, his very identity. To be a human in the most raw form, looking death in the eye and summoning the courage to say, “Screw you.”

Most of us are never faced with such extreme realities as trying to survive on Mount Everest or getting our arm trapped by a falling boulder. But we DO experience lighter versions of it. During my recent illness friends and family shared many stories of this survival with me. I was thrust into a world where suddenly I could identify with car crash victims, cancer survivors, and folks who have battled addiction. The details of my story differ from theirs, but the journey is the same. It is the story of the human struggle. I got curious and started asking people, “What got you through your darkest hour?”

For me, I didn’t have much energy for thoughts during my time in the hospital. But when I did think of something, I thought of other people I know who have been through “the struggle”. They were able to conquer horrendous things and go on to live happy healthy lives. I began to assemble a memory bank of these people and I called them “my angels”. Thinking of them is what got me through the roughest spots. I drew so much hope from their experiences that I became determined to join their ranks.

“What got you through your darkest hour?” Some people I talked to said it was not thinking of themselves and their dire circumstance, but thinking of their loved ones. This thought of, “I knew I had to get better so I could be there to raise my child.” Thinking of people we love can make us yearn to be with them again, giving us strength to keep going.

Another pattern I saw was channeling anger. Anger is a part of the grief cycle we go through during tough times. If we can learn how to channel this anger to propel us forward it can be very powerful. “This is NOT going to stop me, dammit. I AM going to get through this, so F YOU!” I tapped into this space when I started physical therapy. I couldn’t do anything. Even walking was so difficult. During my “workouts” I would crank heavy rock music and I felt so much anger because I wanted my life back so badly. That anger fueled my workouts and helped me do things I didn’t think I was strong enough to do. Of course we don’t want to stay stuck in anger. But it can be a very healing energy if channeled correctly. Anger is never a bad thing if we handle it right.

Another common coping technique is that your world becomes incredibly small. You literally only see and focus on what is right in front of your face. In his book Deep Survival, Laurence Gonzales talks to a woman who was stranded on a small boat for days. She was noticing the seaweed with which she’d covered herself was full of tiny creatures:

“I was dazzled by the life it supported…an entire world, self sufficient and complete.” To be able to experience wonder at its magnificence is to begin to admit its reality and adapt to it. Be here now. The world won’t adapt to me. I must adapt to it. *

The incredible documentary, “Touching the Void” brings up a similar point. Here a man is stranded in the Andes after a climbing accident. His leg is broken and he is inching his way down the mountain. Joe Simpson set tiny goals for himself to make it through, “Ok, I’m just gonna try to get to that rock over there.” Then two hours later he would arrive and set another tiny goal. In a similar way we, in our darkest hour might set an intention to just make it to 4:00. Or to just do one more sit-up during physical therapy. This is so important because it gives the mind something to focus on. It also takes us out of the state of overwhelm which can be paralyzing.

The Dark Chamber and the Super Natural

There is yet another realm that extreme difficulties can bring us to. It could be called spiritual or super natural. Sometimes there is a part of us that can reach beyond the physical world and tap into something “other”. In his book Between a Rock and a Hard Place, Aaron Ralston talks about a vision of his not-yet-born-son coming to visit him and encourage him during his darkest hours. Dr. Eben Alexander, a neurosurgeon and professor at Harvard, was in a coma in the hospital with the same condition I had. While he was technically brain dead, he had the experience of floating above the clouds and communicating with “beings” in a way that transcends language. Next he was transported to “an immense void, completely dark, infinite in size, yet also infinitely comforting.” He believes this void was the home of God.*

I was never in a coma, thankfully, but during my time in the hospital at one point I had a very real sensation that four men, who in real-life are very important to me, were standing around me touching my arms. My arms suffered deeply during this illness and I lost every bit of strength they once had. But in my dream these men were filling my arms with a strong masculine healing energy. At times I imagined my group of angels (mentioned above) standing around my hospital bed offering healing and encouragement.

It is hard to talk about such things because people might think it’s weird. At first I really wanted to know if such experiences are “real” because I am certain they are quite common. But later I realized it doesn’t matter. Maybe the four men healing me were just an illusion of the deepest part of my mind, like some kind of survival mechanism. Maybe Ralston totally made up his unborn son. The bottom line is that somehow in extreme times we can to tap into something that brings us comfort and courage. Whatever it is, it is quite astounding.

*Deep Survival, Laurence Gonzales, pg. 205

*Heaven is Real, Yahoo News

When Life has Other Plans

Posted on October 11, 2012 by Torrie

Early September. My husband and I had just shared a delicious lunch with a dear friend. We came back to my in-laws house and I was suddenly struck with the hugest need to fall asleep, right there on the living room carpet. I couldn’t help myself. Maybe I ate too much.

2 hours later. We go to see my brother-in-law’s new house. The house is beautiful and I try to be polite. But I can’t comprehend the conversations around me. All I can think about is going back to sleep and I’m noticing that my insides feel like they are slowly rotting away. Something is wrong.

5 days later. I have been mostly successful in finding moments of feeling normal. I have faked my way through the week only to find I can’t anymore. All I can do is sleep. All day and all night I sleep. I sleep to avoid the pain that’s pounding in my eyes, my muscles, my joints. Even my hair hurts (who knew it was possible?). I should be worried about what is happening to me. But it takes too much energy to worry and somehow I know I can’t afford to expend energy.

3 days later. I am in the hospital emergency room. Everything is spinning, I’m seeing double, and my right ear isn’t working. I haven’t eaten anything in three days. I weigh 94 pounds. The doctor just pulled four viles of fluid from my spine and preliminary results are coming in. Not good. The friendly staff tells me I’ll be staying with them for a while.

5 more days. I’m still in the hospital. I think I might be dying. I can’t even stand anymore. A nurse has to lift me onto the commode next to the bed. Thinking about food makes me nauseous. My legs and feet have become swollen from lying in a hospital bed for hours on end and I have no strength to rotate myself. I cannot think anymore. My only modalities of communication are to either grunt or moan. Everything is hazy. Everything hurts. I was looking forward to this fall season, working on this blog, and continuing on through yoga teacher training. Corin and I fun date nights planned. It’s so strange. Life is just moving along according to plan and suddenly you’re told, “You have West Nile Virus that has turned into Meningitis and Encephalitis.” In a moment everything changes.

2 days later. I’ve come a long way. I’m at home now. I can scoot myself to the bathroom using a walker. I can eat with the assistance of anti-nausea medicine. The first phase of this disease I couldn’t stay awake for more than five minutes. Now sleep eludes me. Pain is still constant. No brand name or amount of painkillers can phase the pain. Trying to sleep has become pointless. So here I am at 4:45 AM reflecting on all this for the first time. The typing is agonizingly slow. It takes all my concentration to get my fingers to find the right keys. At least it takes me somewhat out of my pain.

6 days later. I am back in the hospital. The virus has attacked again. This time it’s a bizarre condition called Guillain Barre. Apparently my immune system is so confused it is attacking my body’s neurological system, causing paralysis. It’s attacking my face. 95% of my face is paralyzed. (and you were wondering why I wasn’t updating the blog, lol!)

I won’t bore you with details. Hospital stays are very boring. But I am able to receive an amazing treatment for the facial paralysis and as of this writing my face is about 80% back to normal with more movement returning each day. 6 days later I return home again. Recovering from the Meningitis/Encephalitis proves much more difficult. So far in my short time with this condition I’ve had to relearn how to walk, talk, shower, and eat. My days are full of appointments with physical therapists, occupational therapists, and trying to figure out where to rent a wheelchair so I can get out of the house with my family this weekend. Some days even thinking is too much work and I half-jokingly tell my husband, “Honey, I’m going into veggie mode. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

My world has become so small. I only see what’s right in front of me. It’s time to eat? Ok, all my energy and focus goes towards eating what is on my plate. Nothing more. People have asked if I am sad about having to drop out of the yoga teacher training. My answer is, “If it’s not right in front of me, right in this precise moment…I’m not thinking about it.”

So where do I go from here? It is said that life is what happens while we’re making other plans. While I had a fun plan on the next direction of this blog… I need to be present. I need to realize things have changed and right now my reality is dealing with recovery and healing and pain management. I’ve been thrust into a strange new reality. So that is what I will write about. I do not wonder when I’ll get back to teacher training. That’s too far in the future. It takes everything I have to be able to sit in this moment.

Once my greatest fear was to become ill to the point of my lifestyle being taken away from me. Funny. Now here I am going through it. The path to recovery from this illness is long and slow. But I’ve heard plenty stories about people who’ve made it through. I am feeling emotions now. I hope it is a sign of healing that I burst into tears at random times multiple times a day. That’s where I’m at right now. I’ve let go of the fall I’d planned. That feels so far gone I hardly even remember what those plans were.

We make plans. We have dreams. But we live as if we have some agreement with the universe that if we eat healthy, exercise, and do all the right things we will be permitted to live our lives the way we want to. Sometimes the Universe thinks otherwise. It’s good to have plans, and goals, and perspectives. But we also know things can shift on a dime. I knew this. But I never really got it until I experienced it for myself. Life is always in flux. But amidst the lack of control I have in this life, ultimately I realize I can learn and grow no matter what the universe throws at me. I release the plans I had for this life and for now I just sit on the couch. And I type.

We are Mid-lifing Together!

Posted on September 5, 2012 by Torrie

The kids are back in school. The house has been cleaned. We are settling into the fall schedule. That can only mean one thing. Time to get back to work on the blog. We’ve got some exciting things in the works! I am putting together a new workshop. Corin is creating a coaching program. (Neither one of us much like the word “coaching”. It is more like offering support to people who are ready to kick their life up a notch or two.) It is very exciting!

During the summer I had the opportunity to talk to lots of people- men and women from various walks of life, between the ages of 35-50. What I found quite astounding is that every person was dealing with some form of “mid life crisis”. Every single one. Now we aren’t talking about the stereo-typed crisis of buying a sports car and dumping the spouse for a hot 25 year old. What I discovered is that each person was dealing with some form of waking up. What I mean is that each person in his/her own way is realizing that social conditioning from the first half of life no longer applies. Yet none of us quite knows what the new rules are. We are the first group of humans to experience the “crisis” on such a drastic level. Even one generation earlier didn’t experience it because their long term roles were mostly defined for them. Our parents mostly married the guy/gal down the street, had families early, and stashed up their retirement account while working for a single company until retirement age. Company loyalty and til-death-do-us-part were common adages that went mostly unchallenged. And rightfully so. Culture and the human game were different then.

However, things for the GenX crowd and beyond have shifted. There is no reason to be loyal to a company when we expect to be laid off or downsized or outsourced. I wonder where the concept of marriage will be in another generation. We somehow got the idea that our spouse was supposed to fulfill our every need and desire and if they can’t…no biggie. Perhaps the grass is greener with someone else. Single people stress the horrors of on-line dating. It has made people expendable. If you don’t appear to be a perfect soul-mate in one hour…oh well. There are a hundred others looking at your dating profile. We see more and more that the government and religious leaders are not trustworthy and are not going to save us. Those who still believe that are viewed as naive or ignorant.

These are just some of the many examples I hear about how things have shifted. It leaves us feeling confused. Yet we also see an opportunity here. We have the chance now to reinvent ourselves, to find a way of life that is more in alignment with the part of us that is beyond ego. Yet we also see that our culture has become SO individualistic and this has lead to a disturbing rampant narcissism. As we wake up we begin to see that, yes it is important to be true to self, but also that we have an obligation to act in a way that benefits the greater whole. We long for community. We crave connection. Perhaps this life isn’t all about ME getting what ME wants to be happy. We begin to see how our existence influences others. We also begin to realize that perhaps it’s ok to stay single, or to not sell our health to work 80 hours a week.

Each of us is experiencing the shift in our own way. But we are each WAKING UP. I am so excited for this time in our lives and this time in human evolution. Where are we heading? What are we creating? We may not yet know the answers to such questions, but we are not alone. We are each going through this strange mid life transition together and I want to encourage you in your individual journey- wherever you are now and wherever you are heading. You are not alone.

The Possible Blessings of Sickness

Posted on July 31, 2012 by Torrie

When I am sick my world becomes very small. This week my world shrunk to the size of the couch and my book as I oscillated between one and the other. Nothing else existed. I also realize whenever I am sick the world doesn’t care. It keeps on turning. The house doesn’t stop becoming dirty because I am out of commission. If it did I’d consider getting sick more often. Also, the kids don’t require any less attention when mom’s sick. In fact they somehow know how to demand more during this time. So it is a strange dichotomy, this being ill. If I was better at listening to my body I could probably take care of the problem of exhaustion and overworking myself before it gets to the point of illness. But when I wake in the middle of the night with my throat on fire and every muscle in my body screaming I know I’ve not been a good listener once again.

In a way becoming sick is an amazing thing. It is the body’s way of saying, “You didn’t listen to me when I gave you quiet warnings to back off, to give yourself some downtime, to not eat yet another sugary dessert. You didn’t listen so now I’m telling you LOUDLY that you must back off! Give me a chance to recoup, please!” As my world shrinks to only include the most necessary things (aforementioned book & couch), my mind also takes a break. I don’t think when I’m sick. It takes too much energy. I am so present in the moment that it seems there is nothing to think about anyway. I hate being sick, but the mental break it provides is somehow refreshing.

The other nice thing is that I am just too tired to fight with my kids. When they argue with me or with each other I say and do the minimal. I don’t raise my voice. I don’t fight them. That is precious energy than needs to go towards healing. So strangely, I find I’m a fairly decent parent when I’m sick. The kids have to work things out for themselves. Mom isn’t going to come save the day. She’s still asleep on the couch. Could I get away with this behavior when I’m well? As soon as the kids start fighting I could go take a nap?

Then it’s kinda sad too. This idea that I must be taken ill before I can enjoy getting lost in the Game of Thrones novel for a day or two. I would never allow myself such guilty pleasures when healthy. When I’m healthy I must be “productive” or else my day is a “waste”. By day three of being sick, I am sick of being sick and I’m ready to get back on the productivity train. But maybe I could take a day every now and then to sleep and read all day when I am healthy? I’ve often joked with my husband when he has to call in sick. How sad! I tell him, “You get a day home only when you’re sick? You should call your boss sometime and say, I am feeling GREAT! I won’t be in today. I’m taking a well-day!” It’s got me thinking (within the limited range in which I’m capable of thinking in this ill state). Maybe we should all schedule an occasional well-day. Then maybe we wouldn’t get sick as often.

Hello? Anyone Home? The Universe is calling…

Posted on July 17, 2012 by Torrie

Do you ever get the feeling the universe is trying to tell you something? If you are quiet enough you can hear its tiny whisper in your heart. Often times we are hard of hearing when it comes to listening to this whisper. Such has been the case for me lately. Well, that’s not entirely true. I hear quite clearly what the whisper was saying, but I’m not thrilled about its message so I pretended to not hear. But the universe keeps insisting that I acknowledge the message. It is no longer a whisper but more like a baseball bat whapping me on the head. After weeks of this I finally concede. Ok, dammit, I am listening.

I have a tendency to think, “My life will be happier when… My life will really begin when I am finally…” I’m always grasping for an illusive future. So I’ve been a tad frustrated when I put out the question, “What am I supposed to do next in this life?” and the answer I hear in my gut is, “Do the thing that’s in front of you and be content.” Say WHAT??? Ummm, no I’d prefer a trip to Peru, starting yet another business that I’ll be sick of in 2 years, or something that is grand and exciting, thank you very much. The response? “I said: DO THE THING THAT’S IN FRONT OF YOU AND BE CONTENT.” Ugh, but that’s so freaking boring!

Ok, fine, have it your way. See if I care. Do what’s in front of me? Ok, well, right now that would be laundry. Really? Do I have to? And in addition I have to be content about it? Are you out of your gourd? OMG!

This has been my inner landscape this summer. I am constantly being reminded to do what’s in front of me and be content. I’ve gotten good at the doing part. I’m a doer so that’s ok. However the contentment part has shaken me to the core and had me on my knees more that once. In this fast-paced culture where we are trained from birth to nurture a desire for more-better-faster. It is dang hard to be content with the present moment, especially when it is so ordinary. A few weeks ago I came upon this quote by Lao Tzu:

“Content with an ordinary life,
you can show all people the way
back to their own true nature.”

As I embrace the idea of being content I realize I am discovering my own true nature. It’s a slow agonizing process. It’s a whole new way of thinking and being in the world. Yesterday I took my daughter to the beach. We played in the water and laid in the sand. It was amazing. After a few hours of this I caught my mind starting to get antsy. “Let’s go do something else,” I suggested to my daughter. “No! I wanna stay here all day!” When I saw how much fun she was having I realized my mind was anxious for change, some new excitement, but she was totally content. I made a conscious choice to be content too. We stayed there all day. It was fun and relaxing. When my mind teetered with boredom I chose contentedness instead. When I felt incapable of choosing contentedness I faked being content and did it anyway. I began to see that when I’m not busy being discontent with the moment there is a whole other vast part of myself that wants to step forward. I want to know this part of myself. This part is always content and at peace with the moment, even when the moment is ordinary- even when the moment is full of conflict.

I am staying awake. I am not running away from the ordinary. I am choosing one moment at a time to be content with what is. I am grateful to be learning this difficult but amazing lesson.

Being the Change

Posted on July 9, 2012 by Torrie

“Be the change you wish to see in this world.” ~Gandhi

Long ago my newly wedded husband and I would go to occasional social engagements. I dreaded these awful outings. It always involved my husband flitting about like a social butterfly while I sat in the corner wondering why no one would talk to me. There was this other girl who went to many of the same events we did. As soon as she walked in the room everyone would light up, go rushing over to her, and share hugs and conversation with her. (I sat near the exit with a crusty look on my face.) What makes her so dang special? Then I began to believe I must be terribly boring and maybe that’s why no one would ever approach me. I must be socially incompetent, I thought.

That was a long time ago. Life progressed but this social “problem” came back into my awareness in a new way later on. I noticed that I often felt annoyed that people whom I considered friends would never call me. They would say, “Yes, let’s hang out sometime. Let’s do coffee.” But then I would never hear from them. If I wanted to talk to a friend I always had to be the one to make that phone call. I felt quite sorry for myself about all of this. (Victim alert!)

Eventually I was so fed up with my social life that I decided to take Gandhi’s advice and BE THE CHANGE I wished to see. I’m sure he meant this in a more political way, but I decided to apply it to my social life anyway- hee hee. I decided to literally BE the friend I wished I had. When I wanted to talk to a friend I called her. When I wanted to meet my buddy for coffee I invited him. I didn’t wait around for someone else to be the friend I wanted to have. I BECAME that person. I wished someone would invite us to dinner. So I started holding dinner parties. I wanted a group of people with whom I could hold deep intimate spiritual conversations with so I formed a discussion group and invited people I didn’t even know but I thought they seemed interesting. When I went to a social gathering I would purposely look for the people hiding in the corners, because I know what it’s like to be them. I would walk up to them with a smile, extend a hand and introduce myself.

I was not doing this from a grudging-blaming place, as in, “No one else will do this so I guess I have to.” Rather, I realized that I am responsible for the relationships in my life. I finally understood that no one would approach me because I was giving off an unfriendly vibe, even though I didn’t mean to. There was this sense of entitlement or expectation that a person should want to be friends with me. Yuck! I’m sure people felt that a mile away at least on a subconscious level.

As I became the friend I wanted to have, I didn’t do it to get something in return. Well…maybe at first I did, but that quickly dissolved. I was having too much fun just being the best friend I could be. I had one friend who would always make plans with me and then cancel at the last minute because something came up. Instead of getting all huffy about it, I responded the best way I could and didn’t take it personally. I knew I had to cancel sometimes too. Stuff happens.

You can probably guess how the story went. I am now blessed with amazing friends and deep connections. I can “work the room” as good as anyone.Everywhere I go random people approach me and it still surprises me sometimes. My husband and I have come to be known as the party-planners. And I enjoy filling that role. The point of my post is to remind us to not wait around for others to be amazing. Start being that person yourself! Now! I think when we decide to be amazing it gives others permission to do the same. I eventually realized this doesn’t just apply to friendships. I am currently experimenting with being the spouse I would want to have and being the mother I would most like to be.

Handling People that Trigger Us

Posted on July 2, 2012 by Torrie

I am working my way through a yoga teacher training program. One of the required readings is “The Secret Power of Yoga” by Nischala Joy Devi. I started this book with no expectations as I had no clue what it would be about. But this book has been charming at times and boot-shaking at times as it dives into the more philosophical aspects of yoga.

I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot lately. Mostly, the challenging ones. During this time I read a story in the above mentioned book. It was a personal story about the author. Devi explains how she was working in an ashram and there was one monk who was always disrespectful and mean to her. She could tell this guy didn’t like taking instructions from a woman and he made sure she knew it. This monk made her very uncomfortable and she noticed she began to dread seeing him each day. He was “triggering” her. Luckily, she saw an opportunity to practice love and this annoying monk was her teacher.

Devi decided to try something new. When he would come into her office each day to receive his assignment she began to imagine herself placing a garland of flowers on his head and touching his feet. As the monk turned away to leave her office muttering mean things under his breath, she would place her hands together and say a prayer for him. She would do this whenever he walked by her. Then she began doing it any time she thought of him. One week into this practice:

“I was no longer stifling a visceral reaction to run when I saw him. The practice was benefiting me in many ways. My mind and heart were now focusing on flower garlands and worship, rather than dwelling on a strategy to avoid grumpy people.”

The story doesn’t end there. One morning this monk came into Devi’s office and told her that he disliked her very much, but lately he found himself actually looking forward to seeing her! The two never became best buddies, but they did eventually grow to a point of “liking each other.”

A few days after reading this I remembered a conflict situation I was in a while back. Devi’s story flashed into my mind. I decided to give it a try. It gave me a very lovely feeling towards the other person. I continued to honor the person in this way whenever I thought of that situation. I quickly got to the point where if I ran into this person again I would be able to be loving and respectful. I was no longer being triggered by the memory or thoughts of the person.

I wanted to share this technique with you because it is quite powerful. We can use it on a person in which a friendship has gone sour. We can use it on that annoying guy at the bank. Sometimes it is appropriate to reach out and make amends with someone. But sometimes that’s not the best path and sometimes we are unable to do so, perhaps the person is no longer living. Devi’s technique is wonderful because we can heal, take responsibility for our own triggers, and offer love and honor to the person who is teaching us a valuable lesson. Give it a try and share your experience in the comments!

When Old Triggers Pay a Visit

Posted on June 18, 2012 by Torrie

Imagine a nasty old witch kept coming to your house day after day. She scared you and kept tempting you with delicious-looking apples (you only fell for that the first time). Yet, she continued to bug you and knock on your door. After many months of working with the witch you finally convince her to go away and stop bothering you. A few weeks pass and you think, “Awesome! She’s not coming around anymore! I sure showed her!” A few months pass and you hardly think of the old hag. You are so happy that she is gone forever. Then one random day she starts showing up again! For no reason! She brings candies, gingerbread cookies and all tempting things. “But wait!” you say, “I dealt with you already! I got rid of you. Why are you coming back to torment me again?”

This is often what happens when we focus on improving and area of our life, or in dealing with a specific issue we may be struggling with. We work on it and do all the right things. Over time we heal, the issue gets better or goes away or no longer upsets us. Then one day we are innocently minding our own business and WHAM! The issue, pattern, or whatever it is, comes back in full force! But what about all the work we did on this? We think we overcame something and it is gone forever. But many times these things come back to bite us. When this happens we tend to be very discouraged. We feel like we’re taking one step forward and five steps back. We wonder why we did all the work only to slide back into old patterns once again.

I’ve been experiencing this this week. Old things which I thought I’d dealt with are kicking dirt in my face again. Old triggers are being activated which start old patterns running. “But I’ve already dealt with you. What the heck?!” Today I am reminded of the analogy of the spiral staircase. Allow me to explain:

THE SPIRAL STAIRCASE

As we grow, learn about ourselves, and make changes and improvements in our lives we can generate “progress”. Progress is like a spiral staircase. We take a step or two up. Sometimes it is easy and sometimes one step is a struggle and takes many months. When we get hit with our old crap we may feel like we’ve made no progress. However, this is not true. Anytime we work on an issue we are inching up this spiral staircase. So when old demons come back to pay a visit we actually are a step or two higher than before. We have a slightly different perspective than before. I encourage you to look for that perspective shift and realize that you are “further ahead” than before. Some ways this reveals to me is perhaps I recover a bit quicker than last time. Or maybe I have a new technique I can try on it. Maybe it’s something as simple as having more life experience than last time the trigger got activated. So when we are working on these things and they come up again and again we can see an opportunity to view it from a different perspective. It is very rare to work through something and be totally done with it forever. But each time it comes back the flavor is slightly different than before. It is hitting us from a different place on the staircase. We are not just spinning our wheels.

Summer Practice

Posted on June 11, 2012 by Torrie

As we head into this summer season it seems a fitting time to shift things here on the blog. I’ve got kiddos home for the summer and already find my writing and research time is being zapped to other activities. So for the summer months I am probably going to write shorter articles, slices of life about what I am learning in the moment. The topics might be a bit scattered and the posting may be erratic. I look forward to diving into more deep topics again this fall, but for now, let’s ease up a bit, relax and see what summer brings.

“I believe that we learn by PRACTICE. Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing dancing or to learn to live by practicing living, the principles are the same.” – Martha Graham

I’ve been practicing yoga for several years. I love how it is called “practice”. No matter what level you attain you are always a student who practices. Lately I’ve been consciously applying this principle to life in general: life as practice. This life is the only place we can practice whatever we are currently working on. It can be a physical activity like baseball, or cooking. But life is also the only place we can practice things like creativity or calmness. For me summer is a season of great practice opportunities.

Having kids home for the summer can be a challenging time, especially if your kids seem to have co-authored the term sibling rivalry. The constant bickering with the expectation that mommy or daddy will fix it can drain the energy of any parent. I’ve tried implementing strategies, creating time-out corners, sticker charts, love & logic, you name it. My kids still fight. A lot. By the time August rolls around I am totally drained and miserable. In past years I found myself wanting to escape these parts of life that challenged me most. There seemed no solution except to run away. Of course I learned that escapism is one of the worst coping mechanisms of all. So this summer I am trying a different approach.

I’m taking on my yogini role and viewing my entire life as an opportunity to practice. For me this means doing lots of Shadow work. My dear children are GREAT at showing me my shadow material! I am also working on cultivating love and calmness. One of my most powerful questions is “What would my best self do?” I am trying to breathe and live the answer to this question in as many moments of my day as possible.

Yesterday was day three of summer break and already the kids are scheming to destroy each other. Nothing I do works. What else is new? I AM. I breathe deeply. I imagine myself in the most peaceful place I can think of and hope this isn’t another form of escapism. I ask “What would my BEST self do?” I talk to myself (literally!), “Stay calm. This is an opportunity to respond differently than times past. You can do this!” It takes every ounce of self control to not throw a tantrum of my own. I scoop my whiny daughter into my arms and let her feel my deep breathing. She begins to relax. She still erupted like a volcano, but I notice she recovers a bit quicker than usual.

By seeing difficulties as opportunities to practice, a day I would normally consider a disaster ends up being a success. Even though the kids still fought all afternoon, I responded with calmness and grace moment after annoying moment. Yay me! I am certain a new day will bring plenty more practice occasions. I will greet each one as best I can and continue to cultivate my practice.